March 2012
While I was sailin’ the net, I stumbled upon this amusing list of Garrus Rumors.
The new Normandy might be a bigger ship with a slightly bigger crew but it still worked the same way all ships did. The crew had to come up with ways to occupy themselves. The rumor mill was always entertaining as the original rumor always got warped as it passed from person to person, deck to deck. Sometimes jokes and stories picked up from shore leaves would provide some entertainment but eventually everyone had heard everyone else’s stories. So the crew did what they had to do to amuse themselves.
Thus the Garrus Vakarian list was born. A list partly based on true events and them obscured by the rumor mill in the form of a single PADD that was slowly circulating through the crew. The rules were simple. Either cast your vote on something on the list or add something to the list before passing it on to the next person. The one with the most votes would be presented to Garrus himself.
*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.
*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.
*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.
*Cerberus didn’t resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.
*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.
*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn’t need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.
*Garrus Vakarian just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Omega’s infrastructure.
*The krogan genophage doesn’t actually do anything, it’s just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.
*Garrus Vakarian doesn’t need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.
*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.
*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.
*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.
*Garrus knows he’s in a game; he just pretends not to know.
Total crackage. I just had to do it though. Chuck Norris jokes are good. Garrus Vakarian jokes are better. Too bad you’ll never see the two of them in the same place. If that happened, the universe would implode due to an over concentration of sheer awesomeness.
